Throwing It All Away!!

The “GET”.
I got it.
Get it?
The Jewish GET!!

For those of you who are non-tribesmen (from the Cohen, Levy or Israelites tribes),it's a Jewish divorce. It's a process whereby a lovely lady, once known as a THE BRIDE, needs to request her DISMISSAL papers, in hope of finding something better out there.

The document specifies, in Hebrew, that the man, aka THE HUSBAND, will "now release, discharge and divorce the bride (on her own) so that she is PERMITTED and has authority over herself to go and marry any man she desires. ( Any man,with the exception of a Cohen gentleman…apparently I am too tarnished for a fine Cohen man. Makes me think, what should my JDATE profile state, NO COHENS allowed?)

It goes on to say that “No person may object against the NOW DIVORCED BRIDE from this day onward and she is PERMITTED (my favorite wording, if you have not already guessed) to every man." The kicker is the last line spoken by the now X-Husband stating "this shall be for YOU from me a BILL OF DISMISSAL, a letter of RELEASE and a document of ABSOLUTION, in accordance with the law of Moses and Israel."

...Moment of silence, please.
I mean, let's face there is so much to digest in this HERE document.
Where does one begin?

I am a Jewess.
That is obvious.
I am part feminist.
Conundrum indeed!

You see religion and women are a funny combo. When the woman stands on the right side of the equation, she is viewed as God’s reflection to her beloved. My face mirrors my husband’s being. Once I cross over to the DARK side, I become “the invisible woman”.

As a woman, I enter a boardroom with six religious figures, Mad Hatters I like to name them, and my x-husband. Well technically, he is not an X yet. He becomes an X when I leave the premises. How amusing. In any event,they assign me to a seat at the tail end of a U shaped boardroom table. They assume, my X and I need a chair in between us. Clearly, they have never met THE outspoken Caspian Princess. I quickly inform them that I would feel more comfortable nestled next to him then tossed by the way side, near the exit. One witness smirks. Funny thing is they still insisted that WE not approach the Mad Hatters. Should there have been acrimony, the X was privy to sitting more closely to the religious beings.

They spend the better part of the next 35 minutes, directing conversation to my X, asking his name, his Hebrew name and his nicknames. I find myself, quietly, watching the exchanges between the Mad Hatters, as they try to figure out the nuances in the letter “A” of my X-Husband. I keep thinking what is this world coming to, for six, mature, religious beings to spend an insane amount of time trying to philosophize if the letter “A” in his name is a short vowel or a long vowel.

The six religious men, then proceed to ask me my name and its spelling. Never mind, that they stumbled on my father’s name. Two Rabbis duel over the meaning of the name. One Rabbi finally states “you know like the King of Persia, Esther and Mordechai, the tombs in Iran…etc, etc. Ya, I think that's Judaism 101, where the holiday Purim began. But I digress.

My thoughts, once again, “OY”.

We are gently asked to step outside, while the scribe writes out our dismissal contracts. After an hour, we are called back inside, where I stand before my two witnesses and the Rabbi and my soon to be X-Husband. I am asked to pull up my sleeves, cup my hands, not to shake or move, while my soon to be X-Hubby sings his praises to me.

Well, praises is an understatement!! The words are VILE. The words are hurtful. The words have a way to DISMISS a 14 year commitment. The words make you wonder how these same religious beings feel that I AM CAPABLE of raising my two sons. The words HURT. Have you heard of The Gazette's new marketing stance "Words FUCKING MATTER?"

The Rabbi then instructs me to raise the contract in the air, stick it under my armpit, walk out of the room, pass a door or two in the hallway, then re-enter the boardroom as a DIVORCED woman. Sweet.

Congratulate me, I am now divorced. A relative blackberry messengered me soon after, saying “is it wrong to wish you a Mazal Tov?”
I don’t know, what do you think?


I dedicate this song to a great X-Husband. We share two beautiful kids. We care about each other's well being. Imagine that?

What is time?

While in the throws of a nature trail, out in the Lanaudière region, I found myself thinking about the concept of time. The river, the waterfalls, the tall trees and the fall leaves all reminded me of the flow of time, the variations of time, the nature of time.

I am not in the habit of a wearing a watch. My personal sense of time elapsed is somewhat fictional. For instance, I believe I am in my twenties. My sons, however, are my constant reminder of time gone by. Reality check, which translates to "I am really 41!"
Never mind that my gray hair rears its ugly roots every three weeks on the nose!
What a rude awakening.

Idle time isn't all it's cracked up to be either.
It has a way of magnifying issues or problems or in some instances, it allows you to look for trouble, where trouble does not reside.

Busy time...is just that...BUSY! It's time used to mask dealing with reality. It's like sweeping your issues under a Persian rug. What? The Caspian Princess grew up with Persian rugs!

Let us not forget wasting time or taking it for granted.
Time and time again, human beings run through their days not being mindful and not living each moment as if it were their last. Intelligently, we know better. We know that we are physically on this planet for a finite time, yet we don't "walk the talk".

Moral of the story, nature is one wonderful way to appreciate the flow of time. The scenery changes with every season, the trees grow with each day, standing, bending and adapting to changing weather. Also, pay attention to how you spend your time. Are you pleased with each passing day? Do you have one daily moment that stands out? Are you pleased with the direction you have set out for your life?

Food for thought...a quote by Henry Van Dyke.
Time is too slow for those who wait,
too swift for those who fear,
too long for those who grieve,
too short for those who rejoice,
but for those who love, time is eternity.

Every girl should have one guy friend…

Do you remember watching the movie When Harry Met Sally? The movie questioned whether a man and a woman are capable of being friends, without “the sex thing” getting in the way of their friendship. Is it plausible?

Well, I am here to tell you it is! I have a close male friend, with whom I laugh, I share, I cry, I banter and I TRUST. He is my go to person when things are falling apart in my crazy dating world, and vice-versa. We have been known to call each other at 1 am in hysterical states….my boys can vouch for me! Unlike Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan, we managed to stay friendly without any sexual overtones. I won’t lie to you either …we initially met for dating purposes and quickly realized we were meant to be GREAT friends.

Now here is why I think it’s important for every woman to have a male friend. This male friend can teach you about planet Mars. He can shed light on the simplicity of a guy’s head space when it comes to dating. He can let you in on the characteristics of a serial dater, the promiscuous dater, the serious dater, the emotionally detached dater, the hook-up dater and the LIAR dater!!! He lets you in on what turns a guy on, what turns him off. If nothing else, he can scout the guy for you first and tell you “with whom you will be dealing”-this before the actual date. My friend can LOOK at eyes and tell ALL!!!

For instance, too needy-defined as too many calls, too many texts, too many long long texts are a NO NO!! Too independent-defined as won’t return your calls, too hot to trot is also a turn-off. No mental stimulation-defined as intellectual repartees and you have a hook-up set up. Sending nude shots of oneself will not a long-term relationship make, especially if those pictures are sent out prior to meeting the gentleman. Talk too much about your kids on the first date and watch the man run like WILD. Too close to your X-husband and watch as he slithers away. Refer to his work environment as HIS BUBBLE and hear him say BUH BYE!

The funny thing is most of what I said seems like common sense. Yet, my friend will unveil example after example of women failing those basic dating protocols. Some of these women are divorcées, some with kids, some without, some successful professionals and/or cougars. His sample size is quite attractive. Yet there is one common thread with all these women. They fall quickly for the man-defined as four or five dates and a woman will use words like “am falling” for you. They come on, at first, as strong, self-confident, self-reliant woman with a busy life and within weeks they seem to have NOTHING better to do than to obsess about these MEN. The women, also, have a gift of penmanship…long, over drawn letters expressing their disapproval mixed in with their affinity of the man in question. Most of the diatribes I have read, thanks to my dear friend, are frightening to read out loud.

The kicker…I have been known to send out those same letters. Moral of the story dear women, gain some perspective by having a close male friend who will point you to the mirror every once in a while to shed some light on what you be doin’ wrong on this blessed dating scene. It’s a jungle out there…learn the rules of the game. By the way, men see facial hair…keep it in check ladies!!! Won’t even mention issues with south of the border…I hear Brazil is a nice place!

Hypocrisy

Do as I say, not as I do.
Ever catch yourself saying that to your children?

Ever find yourself giving advice to a friend, and NOT following your same beliefs and standards in your own life?

It's all in the name of good old hypocrisy!
Our friendly Wikipedia defines hypocrisy as the act of pretending to have beliefs, opinions, virtues, feelings, qualities, or standards that one does not actually have.

So why am I thinking of this?
Simple, I have experienced it on the giving end.
For instance, I will tell my boys not to eat something unhealthy and yet I will dive right into that junk food minutes later. Makes me a hypocrite, does it not?

I have also been on the receiving end.
Friends shelling out their advice, rejecting and refusing to understand some of my actions and in turn, using condescension to ward me off my EVIL path. Yet, a closer glance at their own existence and day to day actions make them least of all the poster children for high virtues and standards. Makes them a hypocrite, does it not?

So what are we to do?
To some extent, we can chalk it up to human nature.
We falter. Imagine that!
That being said, we are also capable of learning, evolving and improving our minds and putting our best foot forward in this world.

I can tell you that it has made me pay closer attention to the LIES I feed myself and most importantly the LIES I feed my children. My word has to mean something. As parents, I would like to think that we are modeling good behaviour, in hope that our children become citizens of society with great integrity and value.

As for my interactions with friends, and family members, I can tell you that I catch myself using my filters more often and am not quick to judge people's actions. I still falter...but I make it a point to work on self-improvement.

Not sure there is any value or room for hypocrisy on our planet, wouldn't you agree?

LIES!!!

Before I begin my diatribe about lying, I had a sudden recall of a university class I took. The professor/psychologist, an unusual character to say the least, told a group of graduate students the relevance and importance of cheating in a classroom.
For students with learning disabilities, cheating should be seen as a remarkable learning tool and coping strategy.

I remember the first time after that lecture, when I faced a student cheating...I had different goggles on and I allowed the perpetrator to continue on his way, thinking that he pulled one over the teacher. I LIED to my student!
Truth be told, it always left me unsettled and yet I taught myself to tolerate it in those circumstances...Graduate WISDOM if you will!?!?

So how does this tie in to my thoughts on lying?

First I need to define lying.
Lying is communication with the intention of creating a false belief.
Lies are typically motivated by a desire to persuade others to act or to refrain from acting in a certain manner.

WOW! What a mouthful to lying...
But what if the person who is said to be lying, believes it to be THE TRUTH?
Conundrum indeed!

Immanuel Kant, a philosopher, once said that lying was always morally wrong. He argued that human beings are born with an "intrinsic worth" which he referred to as human dignity. To be human, said Kant, is to have the rational power of free choice; to be ethical, he continued, is to respect that power in oneself and others.

Well, at 41, I have come to notice that I have walked a pretty straight line thus far in life. I use boundaries to frame my world which dictate my behaviours and actions. I won't say it's the most exciting way to live. I will say that those implemented boundaries have kept me heading in a healthy direction for the most part of my life. My two boys are my most prized accomplishments!

I am not a Saint.
I have lied.
I also experience guilt shortly after lying.
Which I think says a lot about my ethics.

Now some people on this planet spend the better part of their existence lying profusely about everything and anything. I often wonder are they even aware of their constant lies. I am convinced that the liar sees his/her lies as the TRUTH!

Study by psychologist and lying expert Bella DePaulo explains that more than 70 percent of liars tell their lies AGAIN! She also explains that 60 percent of lies are outright DECEPTIONS!
Mind you it does not help our society, when politicians are caught lying on a daily basis and getting away with it! What about the criminals? What about the movie stars? What about Tiger WOODS? Enough said.

On the other hand, Tim C. Mazur, from the Markula Center for Applied Ethics, explains that sometimes a lie, a false statement made with deliberate intent to deceive, seems the perfect response.

About 22 years ago, my husband faced a dilemma. He had something to share with me and he knew full well he ran the risk of jeopardising the relationship we had. He consulted his mother, who coached him to tell a lie in order to safe guard the relationship. Needless to say, the plan backfired and my hubby and I broke up at the time for a year before rekindling the relationship at the ripe old age of 19.

Where am I going with this?
Lies are hurtful.
If you lived all alone on an island and lied to yourself, then the deceit hurt you and only you. The minute you involve another soul into the equation, one gains nothing from lying...

And let's not forget about my good old friend KARMA.
Karma has a funny way of biting you in the ass!
At times, all hell breaks loose...

Was it all worth it in the end?
To the one who has an intrinsic moral and ethical code perhaps not...

Why are good girls drawn to criminal minds?

Funny, I have always been a fan of this song as a teenager.
I never paid much attention to the twisted meaning of the lyrics.
For instance, "I stand accused before you, I have no tears to cry
And you will never break me, Till the day I die..."
These same lyrics today hold a different meaning in my mature and logical head.

So why are Good Girls drawn to "Bad Boys" or worse yet "Criminal Minds"?
Simple.

The "Bad Boy" or the "Criminal Mind" offers us an adrenaline rush, pushes our boundaries and keeps us on our toes. He offers stolen moments. No pun intended.
A mundane existence is a NOT a choice in a criminal's mind.
He has a grandiose sense of self which translates to self-confidence in the good girl's eyes. He has a need for stimulation by living on the edge, shunning norms and regulations, risking and gambling the good that surrounds him.
All in the name of THRILLS!!!
To a good girl, this translates yet again to an uncanny, adventurous, joy ride...
Granted this same joy ride is simultaneously laced with heightened insecurity, highs and lows and spell bound or hypnotised.

Is any of this healthy?
No.
Is any of this rational?
No.
...and yet thousands of women flock toward a criminal mind.

I will leave you with yet another segment of Gowan's lyrics, troubling to say the least...

A criminal mind
Is all I’ve
I’ve ever known
Don’t try to reform me
Cause I’m made of cold stone
My criminal mind
Is all I’ve
I’ve ever had
Ask one who’s known me
If I’m really so bad...

So DONE with going nowhere...

My wheels have been spinning in circles for the past five years.
It's hard to admit.
But it's a fact.

Prior to those years, I had always been a goal oriented individual, full of ambition, endlessly searching for new ideas, new thought processes, new ventures. I always had a restless mind, thoughts constantly in motion. I surrounded myself with people who shared the same vibe. I recall a close friend who once told me her mantra, "the more you do, the more you get done".

From early on, I remember looking for ways to make money. When I was in my early teens, I would offer my time on weekends to my father who ran a clothing shop on Saint-Laurence. If that didn't cut it, I began working at my uncle's jewelery shop, learning about gold and diamonds....after all, diamonds are a girl's best friend. I then looked at babysitting gigs to bring in more funds, followed by my very first union run job as a librarian at Vanier College....Now that's when the money began to pour in when I was only 16. I won't even mention the amount of retroactive pay that followed once I stopped working there. My family, at the time, couldn't stop laughing.

My point is not to recap what once was....
Rather my point is to notice, that somewhere along the way that drive, that vision, that sense of direction got lost in translation. For whatever reason, a life event throws us off our paths and a sense of disequilibrium sets in.

Not proud to share that a lack in direction is my current poison of choice in my personal life.
It is my reality, none the less.

Interestingly enough, it takes a life event to throw you off kilter.
Yet it also takes hitting rock bottom to shake you out of your funk.
I have been numb for the better part of five years.
This past week, I had my AHA moment when life tossed me yet another blow, the kind that shakes your core, makes you question your rational and sense of pride.
Facing change is often a fear induced step, but at times quite a necessary vehicle to create new blessings, new visions, new paths to a new sense of bliss.

That numbness has left the building...
It's nice to feel again...scared...but feeling none the less.