How do you help a person going through an existential crisis?

My Facebook status is showing me as sleepless up North.

Sleepless in Montreal.
Sleepless wherever.
Location is unimportant.

I have a lot of internal noise going on all at once.
I have energy and not sure what to do with it all.
Emotions are overwhelming...
I tried all sorts of distractions today...running on the treadmill, passionately handling ingredients to cook up a lunch, talking with family about what's bothering me, running to the magazine store to      pick up reading material to distract the mind. To no avail.

Late in the afternoon, I decided to head to LaFontaine park to surround myself with LIFE.
It's not that life isn't present at home, or at a store, or watching one's kids at play ( in my case, the boys are with their dad for a week).
Parks are usually the best place to witness LIFE, people living.

I found myself watching the skaters, children with their toboggans, elderly couples strolling, families enjoying the brisk air.

Life was in motion at park LaFontaine.

I was not seeing busy-ness, rather I was witnessing pleasure seekers.

Then I thought of my father...

My 69 year old father is not in great shape.

Since last March 2010, he has been in and out of a hospital as my children, my mother, my sister and I, all watch different parts of his body fail him. It's not easy.

Most certainly, it's not easy for HIM.

A little about him...

Growing up, I watched him be a pillar of strength in our household.

He showed me the meaning of resilience, the benefits of hard work, determination, aiming high, striving to be the best that one can be.

All good things, indeed.

As a child I watched his inter-personal skills closely.

He never needed to repeat himself twice.

He commanded respect.

He stood tall, his eyes meant business and one quickly knew his intention without an exchange of words.
I grew up feeling cared for, safe, and knowing my actions mattered.

My father today, this very second, is experiencing his very own Existential Crisis.

Makes sense when one sees one's body begin to slow down, not heal as quickly or not at ALL.

He is questioning his life, looking back at his decisions, perhaps regretting some actions...

Though he led his childhood, young adulthood and adult life with a vision for his family's future, he did little to nurture and protect his health. He was a chain smoker from adolescence, ate whatever he enjoyed, never exercised, stressed out most of his life and ignored all of his doctors' recommendations.
His solution to ailments was taking his prescribed medication to alter or remedy what was not going well.
His family history is of concern, as heart disease and strokes are prevalent.
In essence, he abused his body.
And...he did so with an invincible attitude.

Sitting in the hospital yesterday at noon, I noticed he is NOT feeling so invincible.

He looks scared.

His body looks weak.

He looks needy.

He seeks attention.

He wants someone to tell him that all will be well.

His reality...his kidneys are failing him, his circulation is poor, his lungs are weak.

He can barely walk, as his feet have swollen.
He has stomach cramps which hold him back from eating.
He feels weak, as a result.

His lungs experienced a mild case of pneumonia this past weekend.

Will he still smoke?

Most likely...

I am angry with him.

I am angry with him because I have seen the better part of his life having a "fuck you" attitude about his health choices.

Why is he NOW experiencing all this sadness, remorse and fear?

In this last chapter of his life, whether 25 years from now or next year (I don't wish him a short life. I desperately WANT him to live a long long life) why is he not FINISHING STRONG like he always has?

WHY?

I don't know how to handle this scared version of my dad...

Is Oral sex, SEX?? Ask your teens and see what they say?

I am at a dinner party at a friend's house.
What happens when you put four women in their forties, around a kitchen table, with great food and a bottle (or two?) of wine?
The answer?
You get free flowing conversations about this, that and the other.

I am here to talk about the "THAT" portion of the conversation. The THAT was namely about how oral sex is rampant in early adolescence.

So what???

Well, it sort of sounds dandy except for the fact that the young boys are getting the blow jobs and the young ladies are more than happy to perform and get nothing in return.

Which brings us to "What are we teaching our kids?"

Back to this delightful kitchen table, we were all mothers. I would go as far as to say, all well educated mothers.
Some of us have children below the age of 10, while others have adolescent off springs.

The conversation became enlightening when I had mentioned that a few years back, my son's elementary school had invited a special guest, a social worker, to talk to would be parents of adolescents.

The guest speaker began her informative session by addressing a Jewish crowd with the following question: "At what age do you think your child begins to have sexual relations?"

In response, the crowd had muttered all sorts of answers from 15 to 18.
The social worker went on to ask: "And where do you think this happens?"

Long story short, she informed this naive parent body (myself included) that the day your son has his Bar Mitzvah, he will most likely have his first blow job in a bathroom stall or worse yet at coat check at his party. The parents roar.
What a rude awakening!

She went on to say how there seems to be a pervasive understanding that oral sex is not SEX.

(Gee I wonder who we need to thank? William was his name I think? White House? Oral oops I meant OVAL office?)

Furthermore, she explained something else of greater concern.

Girls are ONLY performing and guys are NOT reciprocating.

I once had a chat with a well known psychologist in Montreal about this same topic.

His answer was that the sexual culture is changing amongst the young.

Oral intimacy is not sex.

Young women feel that they are "still good" if they don't let the boy get sexually close to them.

The cherry on top of the icing: The girls feel empowered by performing and not allowing boys to reciprocate.

I will let you simmer with that last thought, dear reader...

The social worker went on to say that in high schools, teens were partaking in themed parties.
Back then (light sarcasm here, as my information dates back to four years ago...themes may have changed since). One example was the Rainbow party which meant that the young ladies would arrive with a bright shade of lipstick and the young adolescent was meant to collect shades of all lipsticks on his appendage. The boy with the most rainbow rings was the person who ruled the coop.

Now back again to that round table chat with ladies and WINE.
These mommies were blown away by the "news", were appalled at what conversations were taking place at home between parent and child. My guess, most likely, parents DO NOT have this chat about oral sex with their children. In fact, I would venture to say parents don't chew the fat about sex with their kids. They may highlight or create "NO FLY ZONE" policies and not allow for free flowing chats about sexual intimacy, respecting one's body, deriving pleasure etc...

One vibrant, very open minded and outspoken woman ( and more women should be like her!!!!) around that same kitchen table did say " Where is the power in having some guy's penis in your mouth? The true power is in one's ORGASM!!!!!"
We all burst out laughing.
She is indeed right, on so many levels (physically-pleasure and safety, emotionally-trust and self-concept).



So purpose of this blog, other than initial shock value is the following:

Firstly, at your son's Bar Mitzvah, do like I did. Hire extra male WATCHDOGS to scout the party, the bathrooms, the coat check at regular intervals of time. In my case, our party ran smoothly other than a group of boys amusing themselves with the condom dispenser in that bathroom.
Oy, my son will be mortified, if he gets wind of Mama's most recent entry. lol

Secondly, talk to your children.
Have a no holds bar attitude about difficult topics.
Listen to them, don't judge them when they share something that makes you uneasy.
This will allow them to loosen their filters with you and share openly.
Friends close to This Princess are always surprised at topics my children bring to the table. Better you, the parent, be handling the flow of information, than having some misguided PEER inform your child.

And ultimately, remember that once hormones kick in, sexuality and discovery of one's sexuality are normal and healthy.
Would love to hear your thoughts on this blog entry.
Please share, any which way you prefer.
Dialogue is KEY!

What is UP with dating in 2010!?!!?

This Princess wants to meet someone.

She wants to meet her very own FROG.

He does not have to be PERFECT.

Is it too much to ask for a gentleman, with integrity who holds down a REAL JOB? Never mind bigger issues like his extended family, his neurosis, his religion, his X-wife or his MOTHER.

This Princess wants companionship.

She wants intellectually charged exchanges.

To make matters worse, this princess has issues of her own which make it difficult to meet and mingle.

Imagine?

She works out of her home.
She is a single mother with full custody of two boys.
She is not in the habit of hanging at bars...although, the local SAQ (aka liquor store) is another kettle of fish!

So what is a Princess to do in 2010?
She can NAG her friends to death to set her up. Futile approach, thus far.
Or she can take matters into her own hands, by getting online, on sites such as Match.com, eHarmony, Plenty Of Fish, Jdate, OkCupid etc...
Some of these sites are free, while others are membership based.

Talking to a few friends here and there, and reflecting on the last batch of candidates, the consensus was that a paid site would bring a higher calibre of people, who are serious, employed ( yes, believe it or not, it's harder than you think to find a gainfully employed man) and searching for a commitment.

Oh no!!! Did I just use the "C" word????

Well, Match.com is like Malaria.com.
Single folks go there to DIE! Nothing moved on that site, in Canada, that is.
I did meet two friends on Match...but they both happen to live in the great U.S of A.

Jdate.com is like playing musical chairs in my backyard.

It just feels WRONG.

Perhaps the fact that I have worked for the Jewish community for close to 19 years and seen throngs of once happy, married people, now  with mug shots on Jdate stating their recent divorced status...makes it somewhat unappealing. The community is so small and tight, I may run the risk of dating some Jewish man, and his X-wife might be my neighboor or his child, my student.

Who needs that???
No, seriously?

eHarmony has the best advertising around. eHarmony is unique in that the matching service doesn't promote the "hook-up" culture. According to the company's mission statement, their goal is to "help couples achieve stronger, healthier and happier marriages."
They offer psychological tests to brand you as a Type A or B personality.

Well, it's been two months I have been on that lovely site.
Apparently, according to their data, I am well suited for a HUNKY firefighter who wants to be my Oral Slave, run my errands and scrub my bathroom floors NAKED while I berate him fully clothed.
And if that's not bad enough, he wants  me to keep looking for an alternate lover, as he candidly shared that he has sexual limitations.

Furthermore, if I was really KIND, I would allow him to remain in my closet, NAKED, while he eavesdrops on me with another man.
...And to think I have 10 more pre-paid months of this quality membership to look forward to...SIGH.

.

..So it appears Plenty of Fish is looking not too shabby.

The pond hosts the same paying crowd from all those other paying sites (yes the Firefighter is here too!) to a series of married men, parading as single fuckers.
This pond is your OYSTER!
It hosts a series of images, most often shirtless images.
FYI my dear SINGLE dude, women like the concept of shirt on, as it leaves something to our imagination!!
Anything swims in this pond.
It should have a warning sign saying "Swimmers, Beware"!

So here I am, Caspian Princess, posting her profile giving a glimpse of who I am.
I did mention my passion with ingredients and kitchen gadgets, my love for nature etc...
Most weeks, I receive a dozen NEW emails from Happy Fishies who say the following to woe this Princess:

"You're cute. Wanna fuck?" or "I live in NDG, is that near you for a quickie?" or "Hey, wasss ur fav position?"

And once I was really lucky, the Happy FISH READ MY PROFILE and said the following:

"How about you invite me over, COOK for me ( a tiny reference to my profile. Oh joy! Oh bliss!) and then we can fuck".
This one was a class act, indeed.

I know weirdos exist in all walks of life.
I know not everyone can run spell check on their sentence, prior to pressing "SEND".
It takes effort.
Who has time for that?
Better to look like an iliterate.
I also know that I am a modern woman, which means that I can make the bold move to reach out to a suitable candidate. As sarcastic as that may have sounded, I am a wee bit traditional in nature. My Caspian heritage kicks in every now and then...

That being said, would you believe it if I told you that many of my emails get deleted prior to having been READ!
What ever happened to courtesy and being a gentleman?

So...
I think that MEN have forgotten the ART of dating.

I think that MEN should drop their fancy mobile devices and or any type of electronic gadget and perhaps walk over to their local bookstore and pick up a much needed self-help book on how to converse with the opposite sex.
I am sure they have a kindle version too!!!

Listen, read and INHALE the advice.

It sure beats whatever it is you think you are doing.

As for THIS Princess, clearly the online venue is not a match made in heaven.

Perhaps, this Princess needs to head to some castle far far away and mingle with some royalty who have yet to swim in a cesspool!

That or... becoming a NUN.
Call me Sister Caspian!


Could I be THIS lucky in a convent?? Or is this really my firefighter dressed like a priest?

Throwing It All Away!!

The “GET”.
I got it.
Get it?
The Jewish GET!!

For those of you who are non-tribesmen (from the Cohen, Levy or Israelites tribes),it's a Jewish divorce. It's a process whereby a lovely lady, once known as a THE BRIDE, needs to request her DISMISSAL papers, in hope of finding something better out there.

The document specifies, in Hebrew, that the man, aka THE HUSBAND, will "now release, discharge and divorce the bride (on her own) so that she is PERMITTED and has authority over herself to go and marry any man she desires. ( Any man,with the exception of a Cohen gentleman…apparently I am too tarnished for a fine Cohen man. Makes me think, what should my JDATE profile state, NO COHENS allowed?)

It goes on to say that “No person may object against the NOW DIVORCED BRIDE from this day onward and she is PERMITTED (my favorite wording, if you have not already guessed) to every man." The kicker is the last line spoken by the now X-Husband stating "this shall be for YOU from me a BILL OF DISMISSAL, a letter of RELEASE and a document of ABSOLUTION, in accordance with the law of Moses and Israel."

...Moment of silence, please.
I mean, let's face there is so much to digest in this HERE document.
Where does one begin?

I am a Jewess.
That is obvious.
I am part feminist.
Conundrum indeed!

You see religion and women are a funny combo. When the woman stands on the right side of the equation, she is viewed as God’s reflection to her beloved. My face mirrors my husband’s being. Once I cross over to the DARK side, I become “the invisible woman”.

As a woman, I enter a boardroom with six religious figures, Mad Hatters I like to name them, and my x-husband. Well technically, he is not an X yet. He becomes an X when I leave the premises. How amusing. In any event,they assign me to a seat at the tail end of a U shaped boardroom table. They assume, my X and I need a chair in between us. Clearly, they have never met THE outspoken Caspian Princess. I quickly inform them that I would feel more comfortable nestled next to him then tossed by the way side, near the exit. One witness smirks. Funny thing is they still insisted that WE not approach the Mad Hatters. Should there have been acrimony, the X was privy to sitting more closely to the religious beings.

They spend the better part of the next 35 minutes, directing conversation to my X, asking his name, his Hebrew name and his nicknames. I find myself, quietly, watching the exchanges between the Mad Hatters, as they try to figure out the nuances in the letter “A” of my X-Husband. I keep thinking what is this world coming to, for six, mature, religious beings to spend an insane amount of time trying to philosophize if the letter “A” in his name is a short vowel or a long vowel.

The six religious men, then proceed to ask me my name and its spelling. Never mind, that they stumbled on my father’s name. Two Rabbis duel over the meaning of the name. One Rabbi finally states “you know like the King of Persia, Esther and Mordechai, the tombs in Iran…etc, etc. Ya, I think that's Judaism 101, where the holiday Purim began. But I digress.

My thoughts, once again, “OY”.

We are gently asked to step outside, while the scribe writes out our dismissal contracts. After an hour, we are called back inside, where I stand before my two witnesses and the Rabbi and my soon to be X-Husband. I am asked to pull up my sleeves, cup my hands, not to shake or move, while my soon to be X-Hubby sings his praises to me.

Well, praises is an understatement!! The words are VILE. The words are hurtful. The words have a way to DISMISS a 14 year commitment. The words make you wonder how these same religious beings feel that I AM CAPABLE of raising my two sons. The words HURT. Have you heard of The Gazette's new marketing stance "Words FUCKING MATTER?"

The Rabbi then instructs me to raise the contract in the air, stick it under my armpit, walk out of the room, pass a door or two in the hallway, then re-enter the boardroom as a DIVORCED woman. Sweet.

Congratulate me, I am now divorced. A relative blackberry messengered me soon after, saying “is it wrong to wish you a Mazal Tov?”
I don’t know, what do you think?


I dedicate this song to a great X-Husband. We share two beautiful kids. We care about each other's well being. Imagine that?

What is time?

While in the throws of a nature trail, out in the Lanaudière region, I found myself thinking about the concept of time. The river, the waterfalls, the tall trees and the fall leaves all reminded me of the flow of time, the variations of time, the nature of time.

I am not in the habit of a wearing a watch. My personal sense of time elapsed is somewhat fictional. For instance, I believe I am in my twenties. My sons, however, are my constant reminder of time gone by. Reality check, which translates to "I am really 41!"
Never mind that my gray hair rears its ugly roots every three weeks on the nose!
What a rude awakening.

Idle time isn't all it's cracked up to be either.
It has a way of magnifying issues or problems or in some instances, it allows you to look for trouble, where trouble does not reside.

Busy time...is just that...BUSY! It's time used to mask dealing with reality. It's like sweeping your issues under a Persian rug. What? The Caspian Princess grew up with Persian rugs!

Let us not forget wasting time or taking it for granted.
Time and time again, human beings run through their days not being mindful and not living each moment as if it were their last. Intelligently, we know better. We know that we are physically on this planet for a finite time, yet we don't "walk the talk".

Moral of the story, nature is one wonderful way to appreciate the flow of time. The scenery changes with every season, the trees grow with each day, standing, bending and adapting to changing weather. Also, pay attention to how you spend your time. Are you pleased with each passing day? Do you have one daily moment that stands out? Are you pleased with the direction you have set out for your life?

Food for thought...a quote by Henry Van Dyke.
Time is too slow for those who wait,
too swift for those who fear,
too long for those who grieve,
too short for those who rejoice,
but for those who love, time is eternity.

Every girl should have one guy friend…

Do you remember watching the movie When Harry Met Sally? The movie questioned whether a man and a woman are capable of being friends, without “the sex thing” getting in the way of their friendship. Is it plausible?

Well, I am here to tell you it is! I have a close male friend, with whom I laugh, I share, I cry, I banter and I TRUST. He is my go to person when things are falling apart in my crazy dating world, and vice-versa. We have been known to call each other at 1 am in hysterical states….my boys can vouch for me! Unlike Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan, we managed to stay friendly without any sexual overtones. I won’t lie to you either …we initially met for dating purposes and quickly realized we were meant to be GREAT friends.

Now here is why I think it’s important for every woman to have a male friend. This male friend can teach you about planet Mars. He can shed light on the simplicity of a guy’s head space when it comes to dating. He can let you in on the characteristics of a serial dater, the promiscuous dater, the serious dater, the emotionally detached dater, the hook-up dater and the LIAR dater!!! He lets you in on what turns a guy on, what turns him off. If nothing else, he can scout the guy for you first and tell you “with whom you will be dealing”-this before the actual date. My friend can LOOK at eyes and tell ALL!!!

For instance, too needy-defined as too many calls, too many texts, too many long long texts are a NO NO!! Too independent-defined as won’t return your calls, too hot to trot is also a turn-off. No mental stimulation-defined as intellectual repartees and you have a hook-up set up. Sending nude shots of oneself will not a long-term relationship make, especially if those pictures are sent out prior to meeting the gentleman. Talk too much about your kids on the first date and watch the man run like WILD. Too close to your X-husband and watch as he slithers away. Refer to his work environment as HIS BUBBLE and hear him say BUH BYE!

The funny thing is most of what I said seems like common sense. Yet, my friend will unveil example after example of women failing those basic dating protocols. Some of these women are divorcées, some with kids, some without, some successful professionals and/or cougars. His sample size is quite attractive. Yet there is one common thread with all these women. They fall quickly for the man-defined as four or five dates and a woman will use words like “am falling” for you. They come on, at first, as strong, self-confident, self-reliant woman with a busy life and within weeks they seem to have NOTHING better to do than to obsess about these MEN. The women, also, have a gift of penmanship…long, over drawn letters expressing their disapproval mixed in with their affinity of the man in question. Most of the diatribes I have read, thanks to my dear friend, are frightening to read out loud.

The kicker…I have been known to send out those same letters. Moral of the story dear women, gain some perspective by having a close male friend who will point you to the mirror every once in a while to shed some light on what you be doin’ wrong on this blessed dating scene. It’s a jungle out there…learn the rules of the game. By the way, men see facial hair…keep it in check ladies!!! Won’t even mention issues with south of the border…I hear Brazil is a nice place!

Hypocrisy

Do as I say, not as I do.
Ever catch yourself saying that to your children?

Ever find yourself giving advice to a friend, and NOT following your same beliefs and standards in your own life?

It's all in the name of good old hypocrisy!
Our friendly Wikipedia defines hypocrisy as the act of pretending to have beliefs, opinions, virtues, feelings, qualities, or standards that one does not actually have.

So why am I thinking of this?
Simple, I have experienced it on the giving end.
For instance, I will tell my boys not to eat something unhealthy and yet I will dive right into that junk food minutes later. Makes me a hypocrite, does it not?

I have also been on the receiving end.
Friends shelling out their advice, rejecting and refusing to understand some of my actions and in turn, using condescension to ward me off my EVIL path. Yet, a closer glance at their own existence and day to day actions make them least of all the poster children for high virtues and standards. Makes them a hypocrite, does it not?

So what are we to do?
To some extent, we can chalk it up to human nature.
We falter. Imagine that!
That being said, we are also capable of learning, evolving and improving our minds and putting our best foot forward in this world.

I can tell you that it has made me pay closer attention to the LIES I feed myself and most importantly the LIES I feed my children. My word has to mean something. As parents, I would like to think that we are modeling good behaviour, in hope that our children become citizens of society with great integrity and value.

As for my interactions with friends, and family members, I can tell you that I catch myself using my filters more often and am not quick to judge people's actions. I still falter...but I make it a point to work on self-improvement.

Not sure there is any value or room for hypocrisy on our planet, wouldn't you agree?