My Facebook status is showing me as sleepless up North.Sleepless wherever.
Location is unimportant.
I have a lot of internal noise going on all at once.
I have energy and not sure what to do with it all.
Emotions are overwhelming...
I tried all sorts of distractions today...running on the treadmill, passionately handling ingredients to cook up a lunch, talking with family about what's bothering me, running to the magazine store to pick up reading material to distract the mind. To no avail.
Late in the afternoon, I decided to head to LaFontaine park to surround myself with LIFE.
It's not that life isn't present at home, or at a store, or watching one's kids at play ( in my case, the boys are with their dad for a week).
Parks are usually the best place to witness LIFE, people living.
I found myself watching the skaters, children with their toboggans, elderly couples strolling, families enjoying the brisk air.
Life was in motion at park LaFontaine.
I was not seeing busy-ness, rather I was witnessing pleasure seekers.
Then I thought of my father...
My 69 year old father is not in great shape.
Since last March 2010, he has been in and out of a hospital as my children, my mother, my sister and I, all watch different parts of his body fail him. It's not easy.
Most certainly, it's not easy for HIM.A little about him...
Growing up, I watched him be a pillar of strength in our household.
He showed me the meaning of resilience, the benefits of hard work, determination, aiming high, striving to be the best that one can be.
All good things, indeed.
As a child I watched his inter-personal skills closely.
He never needed to repeat himself twice.
He commanded respect.
He stood tall, his eyes meant business and one quickly knew his intention without an exchange of words.I grew up feeling cared for, safe, and knowing my actions mattered.
Makes sense when one sees one's body begin to slow down, not heal as quickly or not at ALL.
He is questioning his life, looking back at his decisions, perhaps regretting some actions...Though he led his childhood, young adulthood and adult life with a vision for his family's future, he did little to nurture and protect his health. He was a chain smoker from adolescence, ate whatever he enjoyed, never exercised, stressed out most of his life and ignored all of his doctors' recommendations.
His solution to ailments was taking his prescribed medication to alter or remedy what was not going well.
His family history is of concern, as heart disease and strokes are prevalent.
In essence, he abused his body.
And...he did so with an invincible attitude.
Sitting in the hospital yesterday at noon, I noticed he is NOT feeling so invincible.
He looks scared.
His body looks weak.
He looks needy.
He seeks attention.
He wants someone to tell him that all will be well.
His reality...his kidneys are failing him, his circulation is poor, his lungs are weak.
He can barely walk, as his feet have swollen.He has stomach cramps which hold him back from eating.
He feels weak, as a result.
His lungs experienced a mild case of pneumonia this past weekend.
Will he still smoke?
Most likely...
I am angry with him.
I am angry with him because I have seen the better part of his life having a "fuck you" attitude about his health choices.
Why is he NOW experiencing all this sadness, remorse and fear?
In this last chapter of his life, whether 25 years from now or next year (I don't wish him a short life. I desperately WANT him to live a long long life) why is he not FINISHING STRONG like he always has?
WHY?
I don't know how to handle this scared version of my dad...
