Say my name, say my name....

Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmmm....
One mundane morning, I decided to pick up my voicemail. I think there must have been a half dozen messages. Don't go thinking I am popular and all. It's more along the lines of "can't be bothered listening to the recordings". I digress...

One particular message got my attention. I think I must have played it back a dozen times. The voice, on the over played message, was that of my x-hubby. For nineteen years, I have heard this man call me by my nickname. Yet on this glorious morning, he called me by my name. It sounded absurd, awkward and very strange. He seemed to have struggled with it too.
Was this yet another reminder of a marriage gone wrong or was this more for my amusement?

I can tell you the following...I replayed the recording while focusing on my reaction, feelings and mindset. I didn't realize to what extent I was disengaged and disconnected from this man, I once called my husband.

I have discovered something of great meaning to me. I never realized to what extent one's name has value. In my suddenly single chapter in life, the relevance and importance of hearing a man call my name is of great importance to me. You would be surprised to know that I have witnessed a great many men who seem uncomfortable voicing a girl's name while chatting (happily or angrily for that matter) or making love. I find myself having to constantly remind my date,my friend or my lover how I enjoy hearing my name, as opposed to generically leading me into a conversation.

Seriously, is it too much for which to ask?

Nostalgia

Nostalgia is a seductive liar. - George W Ball

How true is that aphorism? When an event marks our minds, we have a tendency to hold on to the positive memories and conveniently release the distasteful ones. As a result, we walk around this planet remembering only the moments that took our breath away, feelings which pulled on our hearts, and memories forever haunting us. Yet we rarely acknowledge the difficulties and pain that occurred in those same events or moments. How convenient? (Church Lady)

A few weeks back, I had an exchange with a friend who was experiencing her own sense of nostalgia, looking back at choices she made and how those same choices affected her current state in life. Very hard to think back to days gone by and remember some of the challenges we faced with a friend, a lover, or a family member. Nostalgia “is a seductive liar”. Perhaps, if we choose to play this game, we should consider keeping journal entries of the good, the bad and the evil to help the ever-forgiving mind to remember the truth.

On a personal level, I seem to be having ongoing nostalgic moments. In some cases, my journals have proven to be quite handy, while in other situations, I find myself looking back with glossy eyes and dreamy states, grappling with “what ifs”…
I came across this piece of music, not so long ago. I was never a fan of Yanni. However, there is an instrument that sits center stage. It’s the duduk, an old Armenian musical instrument. It has a haunting sound which seems to resonate well with that good old sense of nostalgia…
Happy listening to all you, drowning in NOSTALGIA!

Games people play...

....If one were to describe pain...the song below would be it!

I thought that by the time my forties would kick in, life would start making sense, folks around me would stop playing mind games, people's words would have weight, truth and meaning....most importantly, the drama would be kept to a minimum, so as to enjoy the short gift of life we have on this planet. Instead, I find myself encountering folks who seem to think life is all about twisted moments, stolen adventures, this constant game of cat and mouse and searching for that next high....

I have had the pleasures of wild chases in life and the comfort of warmth, safety and dependability...perhaps I am too mature for my own good...but I would choose a drama free zone more often than this perpetual state of dis-ease.

Random thoughts

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
-- Mark Twain

Often times I am told by close friends and family members that I am too bold for my own good. My standard line back to each and every one of them is the following:
I can't deal with regrets, should haves and could haves. When I am faced with any situation in life, I make it a point "to leave no stone unturned"; this way, deep inside my heart, I know I tried my best and went boldly after it. If I succeeded then all the better for all my efforts and if I failed...then so be it. My motto: No regrets.

Interestingly enough, through an outsider's eyes, my actions are seen as a lack of pride or self-concept or belief in my self-worth. Here's the thing, ultimately one day, we all die. Would you prefer lying in that casket with all your pride intact and your stubborn beliefs about your worth nestled in that listless heart of yours or would you rather see your soul smile, knowing it tried, expressed and pursued all your wants and wishes?

Just my two cents...

About Me

Welcome to my blog! Let me introduce myself. I am the Caspian Princess. I was born in Teheran, Iran and left right before the Revolution at the age of nine. My family and I set up shop in Montreal, Canada and I have continued to live here ever since.

I am a single mother in her forties, raising two bright, warm and wholesome, male souls on this planet. My eldest is fourteen and basking in his teenage years while my youngest, age nine, is still looking to me for guidance. I was in a relationship and then married to my X-husband for close to nineteen years. No drama there, other than we fell out of love, grew apart and found new interests.

I am also a teacher and a special education consultant, gainfully employed. I teach French, as a second language in an elementary school. I have been in the teaching field since 1992. Midway through my career, I went back to school and completed a Master in Education, specializing in inclusive and gifted education.

I am the eldest daughter to traditional parents. My “papa” was born in Hamadan, Iran. To describe him best would be to say he is a resourceful self-starter and has immense street savvy. He has experienced hardships in life, yet has found ways to rise above and create a new. My mother was born in Haifa, Israel. She is the essence of love, commitment, dependability, grounded and deeply rooted. She is a pillar of strength considering the hardships she has endured in her youth. I also have a younger sister, now living in Toronto, Ontario. Unlike me, she has a realistic approach to life, has a strong sense of self-concept and independence and immensely spiritual. She leads an authentic life and chooses to strip herself of the unnecessary.

I am a friend to many. I am blessed with social skills that make it quite easy for me to approach, befriend, network or shoot shit. Some connections, I have had since childhood or adolescence, while others, as a result of my work or adult life. I feel blessed each and every day to have these souls entwined in my existence. That being said, I have a fault which appears to weaken my ties at the most undesirable times. I have a low tolerance of seeing friends and family go through pain, or illness or suffering. In situations like these, I have the tendency to withdraw and pull away, fear of losing them or watching them suffer. This wasn’t always the case. I would say it became more prevalent when my marriage fell apart. Perhaps it’s the fear of being hurt and losing someone. Clearly, there is room for improvement.

I would say that my nature is to be a life-long learner. My current interest is to look more closely at human behavior, what makes humans act a certain way while feeling completely differently. I enjoy introspective learning, meaning looking within, pondering on questions of happiness and motivation, and learning about the power of intuition and law of attraction. I have always had interests in sociology and philosophy.

I have an intuitive side which I discovered around my adolescence. I have had many moments where I have placed a vision out into the universe and had it come true. I am a firm believer that what you wish for and visualize, combined with a drive and ambition will create itself. It’s a question of focus, drive, and strong belief.

I have a creative side but it rears its head at the most unusual times. For instance, when my marriage was coming to an end, I suddenly had this inexplicable urge to paint. I had never held a paint brush in my hand, other than when I was five and painted in kindergarten class. Well, the sadness pushed me to grab white sheets of cardboard and paint away. I will try to post one or two. When I experienced hardships in my marriage, I channeled my creative energy to sewing draperies to decorate my home windows. Who knew I could sew? Photographing faces and places blossomed as well. Eyes are the windows to one’s soul, hence why I like capturing faces.

Other interests include movement, such as walks in nature, hiking in the woods of Montreal or delightful mountains in Switzerland. My hike in Rigi Kulm, Switzerland and, with its 120 KM of hiking and Nordic walking paths still remains the most breathtaking panoramic view I have witnessed. I had my AHA moment while hiking there. Standing above 6000 feet, looking into the Alps, one quickly realizes “anything is possible if you set your mind to it”.

I guess you can tell that travels are part of my fabric of life. Midway through my marriage until now, I have come to embrace solo travels around this beautiful planet. Being on my own and discovering new places, hidden gems and locals invigorate me. Unlike other travelers, I plan less and allow my senses to guide me once I arrive at a new destination. I consider myself well educated, but the true learning occurs when you drift into towns and villages and learn the local ways and way of life.

I remember this one time in Rome, Italy. I was on a small day tour company, focusing mostly on the architecture of Rome. Less than an hour into the tour, 7 out of 8 people decided they couldn’t tolerate the tour guide and preferred to roam the streets on their own. I was the last one standing. I quickly gained perspective and realized I had the opportunity to see Rome privately and tailored to my needs. I began my private tour with LEONARDO the 40 yr old chain smoker who most likely could have used a shower or two. We both decided to ditch the bus and began a walking tour of all the tourist attractions such as the TREVI fountain, and Castel Sant-Angelo, Piazza Navona, Pantheon, Palazzo Montecitorio.

Our conversations were free flowing. Suddenly, Leonardo tells me “let me show you Rome through a local’s eyes and not a tourist’s”. That was music to my ears. He walked me over to the oldest coffee shop in Rome, close to a century old, Sant’ Eustachio Il Caffé. A tiny place where if the walls could speak, they would have great tales to tell. Leonardo then took note of my recent interest in painting. He let me in on a local secret. The churches are hidden gems for art aficionados. So we began entering little churches off the beaten track and discovered frescos painted by Raffaello Sanzio da Urbino and Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio. These are the kinds of discoveries I seem to relish at this point in my life.

So there you have it, The Caspian Princess in a nutshell…